Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....

   Terrorists: 3 Industrial Accident: 15... sorry terrorists, but you lost this round.

   Chicago police say Crime is at an all time low today, When asked why they responded with "we think it has to do with the extensive flooding, how many blakc ppl do you know that can swim'?

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   Nice try, New Testament. The only things that can die and come back to life are zombies and Robert Downey’s acting career.

   Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.

   Stupid mornings with their stupid Sun and stupid fresh air and stupid innocent laughter of schoolchildren.

   about as useful as a dollar store pregnancy test........but I'm trying to stay positive about it...

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   Spell check is for the week.

   I'm looking to make some extra beer money so I'm painting these ibuprofen blue

   We want to find them so we can give them a big hug, american style!

   The Constitution wins everytime Obama says, "This was a pretty shameful day in Washington for the government"

   So when Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook did he say "Let there be likes"?

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.

   I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.