Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.

   Nerdy pickup lines: You have an appendix. I like that in a woman.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   ’m in such a good mood I think I’m going to cook* a delicious dinner**! (*open, **bottle of wine)

   just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...

   Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday.

   I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.

   I just bought a Birthday cake. It's not my Birthday, I just wanted cake.

   My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

   So Iran wants to make an Oil for Nukes deal with North Korea! The best deal is still the one Israel has with the USA....... Nukes for NOTHING !!!

   When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.

   Last night I realized that 3.5 inches could totally satisfy me... Yep, I went shopping with my new credit card!

   why do I even bother setting a desktop background if it’s covered by my browser 24/7

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Cooker on, bacon, baceaten!

   Now everyone in America is gonna want a yard boat

   Apparently the Russians tht attacked boston city will be grilled...

   I havn't heard the word "manhunt" so much since the last gay pride parade