Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"

   Reese Witherspoon is the skim milk of celebrity arrests.

   I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   What's the odds I ever meet a Victoria's Secrets Angel? OK, don't answer that.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   Sometimes I think the human race would benefit greatly from natural selection (survival of the fittest).

   For how long are we going to ignore the problem of overpopulation on this planet as access to resources and jobs becomes harder and harder by the day?

   t's not about dieting, it's changing eating habits forever. — Chaz Bono

   Today, I realised that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.