Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

   Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married.

   How to get rid of an erection. 1. Kirsten Dunst nudes. 2. Kirsten Dunst. 3. Actress who played Mary Jane Watson...

   My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the 'praying mantis' position and she tore my head off

   If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?

   Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted

   "Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby

   Anything you can do I can do drunker.

   Call me old fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with a woman that can't lick her own nipples

   If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.

   Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

   Who lied to you, people who call themselves beautiful?