Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.

   Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?

   In the bathroom, even the shampoo bottle becomes interesting.

   I'm having a funny withdrawal. Someone please post something hilarious soon or I'll have to check into detox

   I wish I was the hot friend.

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Its trash pick up day tomorrow and my dumb neighbor forgot to take out my mother-n-law!!!! Now i've gotta dump trash all over his yard again!

   Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk, but only one of them knows about it.

   ,,Bland salad,,,,, that needs adressing,!!

   While you're ignoring that someone special, someone else is grabbing their attention.

   Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

   Setting up a Facebook account for your unborn child should be considered child abuse.

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.

   This is from a greedy single, " Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married. "