Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love being envied and hated! Because no one envies the ugly and nobody hates the weak!

   women stay in shape to live long, healthy lives. Men stay in shape to have sex with hotter women...

   Who remembers when big ol' gigantic ol' Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet? Okay it was a storage unit but.....

   ladies it's hard for us to read your thoughts if you already vocalize each and every last one of them

   In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives

   Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   So Amanda Knox kills an innocent girl and she is now a media darling just because she spent a couple of years in an Italian jail. Whats wrong with this world really?

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   I hate people who feel they are entitled to certain things just because they are different.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   Cactuses are just angry pickles.

   There's always a window of opportunity in your room for improvement.

   The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.

   I'm tired after a long day of getting out of bed.

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   My gym membership is just a fitted sheet.

   We get it, you're a proud lesbian. Nice haircut.

   A cat ran into the freeway and caused a pile up... Some how this was Obama's Fault - Fox News