Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.

   Guys, if my hair doesn't look like a birds nest afterward, you're doing it wrong.

   "I woke up in a new back alley..." MC Hammer

   Cement your friend zone status by calling a girl “dude.”

   I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

   Thursday: Friday's younger, yet equally attractive sister

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   I don’t get it. So in a gay marriage, they have two couches?

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   Okay Facebook can we have one special button that prevents anyone from inviting me to their event. Judging by the amount of time I spend on FB, you should know by now I am not an event kinda guy.

   CHINA vs INDIA - What a shaky situation for the United States. Who to side with. The Country who owns our mortgage and makes our stuff. Or the country who we handed all of our IT operations to.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   If there's one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it's... "Goonies never say die!"

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   Burned 800 calories jogging my memory today.

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony