Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.

   How come KFC doesn't have any women say "I ate the bone"??

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.

   I don't blame myself for getting lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Oh no Chris from Kriss Kross died... You know the 90's rap duo that wore their clothes backwards.... I guess it's down to only Kross Dressing. That's wikkity wikkity wikkity wack!

   I'm learning Spanish! Lesson 1 is pronunciation. So far I know "huh", "I'm sorry what" & "Can you say that again please"

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   More is better than less because if there's more less stuff, then you might want to have some more. And your parents won't let you because there's only a little. If you really like something, you'll want more of it. We want more, we want more. You really