Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature move is walking past all the ladies in the gym with my chest puffed out before using all of the exercise equipment incorrectly.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   You shouls say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   I wish this weather would make up its mind. I don't know if it's safe to shave my pubes or not...