Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   It has come to my attention that certain things have come to my attention. My attention span being as short as it is.........it has come to my attention

   Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems

   Some girls drink to get drunk. Some drink to get bi.

   Just had a call from a guy with a foreign accent call me from "Microsoft"....I told him the only problem I was having was when I booted up the startup screen showed a pic of his Mom and a donkey..............."click"

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!