Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

   Some dude is stealing my status updates He hides it well by changing all of the words and the topic, then making it interesting or funny.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   I almost missed work this morning because "somebody" changed the order of my "day of the week" undies.

   Every person who just drove by me was on the phone but not me I'm on Facebook

   I cant wait until 2016 so that I can learn through FB what country Hillary Clinton was really born in and what type of tyrantical gvmt she's associated with and how fast she plans to go door to door to take everyones hand guns..

   Remember that Ex that we all thought we’d never get over? What's her name again?

   Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.

   I can hardly wait for asparagus season! The red and green colors in the toilet remind me of Christmas ツ

   Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.

   There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   With summer comes in tents sex.

   Jodi you should have went to Casy Anthony's "how to get away with murder" seminar

   I had a dream that I killed all of the shirtless guys with their own swag...and their duckface girlfriends....I call it the YOLOcaust.

   I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...

   show me the benefits part and THEN i'll let you know if we can be friends

   I'm not as random as you think I Salad.

   For Mother's Day I'm getting my mom a camera that will allow her to take less than 45 minutes to take a picture. If they make one...