Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   I watch Grey's Anatomy every week. I am now a qualified surgeon. Please PM me for an appointment.

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!

   I dance a little in my chair while I'm eating one of my fave meals..... Don't judge me -_-

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores are now accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   Jealous? You can't say that just cause I murdered a couple of guys who spoke to you. Oh all of them? Ok let's not focus on the details here.