Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   Seeing my ex with a new guy doesnt upset me.. My mother taught me at a young age to give me used toys to the less fortunate.

   I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   There's a difference between antisocial and antistupid.

   I heard Cobras dance to music so I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.

   First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

   A frat house installs a retractible ceiling. “We just can't get enough Natural Light,” says its president. They hi-five for 6 straight hours

   Ever sat in the bus next to a stranger who smells so nice you just couldn't stop licking her neck?

   Adobe Reader should just watch the news like the rest of us for regular updates.

   Girl, you must be a terrorist cause you're making my package suspicious.

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.