Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is national tinfoil hat day. Ok, it's not really, but I don't want to be the only one wearing one.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   My wifes husband is a great guy!! Not to mention how cool her kids dad is...

   But if he's had a vasectomy how do you trap him into marriage? *asking for a friend*

   Chivalry is dead. Nowadays if a girl accidentally drops her book, no man one comes to pick it up for her. They will wait around and watch her bend over and pick it for herself.

   If you get explanations when they weren't asked for, they're lying.

   and then satan said, 'let there be schools.'

   Apparently entertainment is more important than our safety.

   My son weed whacked the yard without being asked... Impressed yes!! He broke out in a sweat the last time it was his turn to change the toilet paper roll.

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   growing old is mandatory growing up is optional

   The opinion of strangers on the Internet is the most important thing in life.

   Does the fact that I supply my own chloroform make me look desperate?

   My daily pep talk pretty much consists of: It's ok, It's ok, it'll be funny in a few weeks...

   What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

   It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   As long as my stalker has a car, I don't mind one bit. Cuz free roadside assistance.

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.