Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always break up with someone in the rain, because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.

   Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.

   Two's company, three sounds like fun.

   A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos.

   The high school girls down the street playing basketball in their shorty shorts look like they need a 37 year old referee in sweatpants.

   I know you were very attractive 30 years ago but that is history now.

   im in a same sex marraige every night its the same sex

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."

   Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.

   I've got some terrible news: MSN

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response

   Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   I'm not much of a Target person...just seems hypocritical that you can't buy guns, ammo or....targets at a place called Target!!

   I am not a Jesus so don't expect miracles from me dammit.

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.