Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.

   You put the stress in mistress.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   Dad is it true that in some African Countries that a man doesnt really know his wife until he marries her? Son that's true in every country.

   Just because I like to trip children that are running through the produce aisle unattended doesn't make me a bad person, Officer.

   Just rearended a car and a midget got out. Came to me frowning and said I'm not happy so I said "Well, then which one are you?"

   Chum; It's like Hershey Kisses for sharks.

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...

   definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!

   Our Father who art in Chicago. Hockey be thy name. Thy will be done, the Cup will be won, on the ice as well as in the stands.

   If Michael Douglas ever gets rectal cancer we're in for one hell of a story.

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin. They hatin!

   So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.

   Loyal women will love you while you're broke; a ho will love you till you're broke

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.