Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   Marriage, because your suffering doesnt have to end at work.

   Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.

   The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.

   What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing

   "I'd hit that" - Asians driving

   at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...

   All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.

   Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.

   Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out

   When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.

   Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.

   If you watch the Godfather backwards it's about a bunch of guys that come back from the dead and then go to a wedding

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys