Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am NOT playing "Hard-to-Get". I'm playing "I-Don't-Want-You"

   mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.

   ATTENTION ANYONE UNDER 25: There was a time Ice Cube was the baddest rapper on the planet. No, seriously. Stop laughing. It’s true.

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   The best person to be thrown in Jail with is the Kool aid man

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   rub an atheist nutz the wrong way and they hiss like a snake that they are...

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   I wonder if smart cars are even street legal.

   it is such a big waste how Jodan's national carrier is called Royal Jordanian airline instead of Air Jordan

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.