Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?

   I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

   Ps4 $399 xbox $499 ....... I think I hear Microsofts sobs from here.

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

   Laziness walks in my family

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!

   The girl who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   Looking for a man to help fill my...humm..."whole"

   Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"

   "Bellichek, why hast thou foresaken reason & signed Tebow?" — Jesus

   The only thing more insane than Tim Tebow believing the universe was created in 6 days is the Patriots believing in Tim Tebow.

   Belichick, Brady, & Tebow: The NFL's Father, Son, & Holy Ghost.

   I think Bill Belichick is the perfect coach to develop Tebow into an elite clipboard holder

   ironically, to a Patriots fan like me, the signing of Tim Tebow is proof there is no god.

   Living in Oklahoma I get a lot of dumb questions like "Where's the Buffalo?" & "why do I have to show you my bo0bies for directions to the buffalo?"

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   "What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!