Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   “Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   Congratulations to Kim, Kanye and baby Cthulhu! The end is nigh...

   Step 1 in a relationahip is to make sure you strike fear in your girl heart. Threaten to hit her. Make her scared of you so she wont cheat

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children home from Disney World...... I'm leaving the two ugly ones there.

   One thing's for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   UGHhhh,, Spelling errors agrevated me SO much,,,, Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over...

   If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.

   imagine if everytime you yawned .. a ghost was putting his pecker in yer mouth ..

   "Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"

   Dear Kanye; if you really are Yeezus, raise your album out of my recycle bin.

   When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.