Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when razors only had two blades? Or what tissue companies call the "good ol' days"?

   See how long it takes you to get arrested in Walmart for starting a trail of gummy bears from the toy section to the bathrooms

   The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."

   At Subway. "What kind of Sandwich would you like ?? I'll take a 6inch Tuna on Honey Oat Please. "What kind of bread"?? Honey Oat please. "What kind of sandwich "?? Tuna please.

   "by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime".

   Unless you're trying to change someones life for the better, you have no reason to try to be in their business

   The reason they named it the "Xbox One" is they knew that it would be the only way they would hear "Xbox Won" Might as well rename it the "Xbox Done"

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   Hate is such a strong word. That's exactly why I use it.

   Baby you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down.......and puke!

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".

   There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”

   i live in a land of fantasy so keep your reality the hell away from me.

   Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   I enjoy listening to Ice cube in the summer. He's very refreshing.

   BRADY: Sup. TEBOW: Sup. BRADY: What have you been up too? TEBOW: Studying the Bible. What about you? BRADY: Banging Gisele Bundchen. [Awkward Silence]

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   PS4, brought to you by the same folks that brought the phrase root kit to our vocabulary