Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.

   Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?

   Never really had the time to lick girl's faces to know my taste in women.

   Hate yourself, leave the rest of us alone.

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Facebook keeps offering to find my friends for me. Good luck, Facebook! See if you can find my dad while you're at it.

   We have some people struggling with obesity problems, while others are struggling with poverty and starvation. Sh*t like this is why Jesus is not coming back during our lifetime until we get our act together.

   "That comes to $13" "how's this for payment?" *rubs chest sensually* "sir ur body's not legal tender" "why not? i'm legal… and i'm tender"

   I had a missed call at 3 am and I just now called it back. It was Jake from StateFarm

   and today a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions gear

   I had a nightmare. I was having s-e-x with Paula Dean d0ggie style. I was pulling her hair and she was screaming, "AH CAINT BLEEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!"

   My neighbors tree fell during the storm last night. Ufortunately for them they will now need to take off their Christmas lights!

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   Knock knock...... Who's there? A lawyer who should not do jokes at a murder trial.

   I prefer coffee over 5 hour energy because coffee doesn't taste like horse piss...

   I have the uncanny ability to look at a pretty girl RIGHT when she decides to pick her nose.

   There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.

   Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?