Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't make annoying passive aggressive statuses, unlike some people I know.

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   I checked Rosetta Stone, they don't have "Black English" instruction & I don't know who to axe about it? #donlemon

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   Sex without head is like a sandwich without bread

   I love how some of you judge the people that are shopping at Wal-Mart while shopping at Wal- Mart.

   Don't think of it as 5-day-old pizza you found in the fridge, think of it as...pizza jerky.

   If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   We're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I....Yep, you just sang it, out loud, and realized that you have been RickRolled \m/

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.

   Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.