Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went out and mercifully shot my tomato plants this morning. It was the right thing to do. They were so sick and the government wouldn't help me because I am not legally a farmer....the one died right away, but the second took two bullets.

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   If dialysis saved your life, you may be able to sue someone for money!!

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of weed. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.