Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

   Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.

   The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* people died.

   I'm sure you realize I know you believe you understand what I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I am trying to say....

   its not an addiction until you've blown someone for it.

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.

   i dont know what makes you stupid, but it works really well.

   I'm schizophrenic. I can have an orgy just by jerking off.

   If I ever need a stair lift when I'm older... Gonna make sure it's a toilet, so I can take care of 2 things at once.