Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.

   Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.

   Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

   X says you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?

   10 whole years in the friend zone and you are still friends? What an idiot.

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   INNUENDO [in-yoo-en-doh] noun: An Italian Suppository

   Honestly autocorrect...I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?