Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not even sure how many problems I have...because math is one of them..

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   Text me first so I know it's real

   Current emotion: I need money.

   Sweatin' like a Catholic Priest at a Little League game.

   Chris brown had a stroke..... - Rihanna

   How long until Al Sharpton protests shark week for lack of Great Black shark coverage

   My wife and I were married by a Judge. I now wish I would have asked for a Jury.

   People without jobs are so like...It's Friday?

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   Today is National Book lovers day. No wonder everyone's on Facebook.

   We all crave to find someone to crawl into the darkest parts of our soul And still ache to make love to our demons

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but they complain if they don't get it?

   When did love ever adopt a religion? When did hearts think and not feel? We made of them a path of pain, when they should be a way to heal.

   In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history.

   The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver

   Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV

   The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...