Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.

   My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!

   What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat

   Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a cashier girl in mall, grocery stores, or McDonald's, Subway...

   You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.

   Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.

   Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

   First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.

   To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge.

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

   Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.

   All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.