Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Don't treat someone like a chocolate chip cookie who treats you like a raisin cookie.

   6 year old to my iPhone "Cereal, where's the nearest McDonald's?"

   I'm forever grateful that I became a parent n the age of Bluray, portable DVD players, smartphones and iPads.

   Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down

   Facebook should rename itself to Stalkbook!

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.

   The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal...

   There is a new movie out about the lives of White Trash people, but I've only seen the trailer.

   I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.

   A family that resemble The Klumps just walked into McDonalds. It's like watching the food version of Beyond Scared Straight.

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer

   Come on guys! I've had to deactivate facebook due to the pressure

   People with boring Facebook profiles need to stop making the situation worse and awkward by further creating Facebook Pages which they constantly beg us to like.

   Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.

   I want my kids to be as lazy as me but I'm unwilling to put in the work.

   Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

   The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!

   Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”