Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never touch a guys computer, unless you're on birth control.

   I hate women who hate innocent women and invade their privacy for their animal instincts.

   Fat people are harder to kidnap.

   Oprah, you don't need a purse, you need a mumu!!

   George Lucas loves himself some dark chocolate.

   T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   Well, I'm no geologist...but that looks infected.

   I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   If you love her, then always tell her about how you truly feel about her. For example, "I like you and would love to see my d*ck in your mouth"

   The heavier the girl, the more pics of really buff guys go up on her timeline.

   Just case my wife creates a joint FB account, I've already hired a hit man to murder me and frame her.

   There is nothing more dangerous than someone with a brain who doesn't know how to use it.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

   My extremely gåy friend had an 80′s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...