Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a Privates Investigator.

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.

   Counting to ten when you are angry works so much better when you are counting punches to someone's face.

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...

   My facebook page is like a restaurant if you don't like what I am serving feel free to go somewhere else.

   When the rich robs the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence !

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   Why people diss Wal-Mart? Is it so great that it has the most number of haters?

   i entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win....no pun in ten did

   Some guy screwed you over? Would you like to explain how the whole male population is responsible for this?

   Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they're paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is.

   Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are

   If you wear Hollister past seventh grade I'm just gonna assume you enjoy the taste of another man's schlong.

   To "scratch" your balls is a false saying. It's more of a "pinch and roll"

   f your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.