Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to successful relationships is to not start one.

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   No one will ever love you as much as I don't.

   Nothing says Responsibility like a woman taking her birth control pill with a shot of Tequila.

   this girl I'm seeing hates when I stalk her,well I'm not actually dating her yet.

   i think schools should start teaching chinese and punjabi,since thats the only people that work at tim hortons!

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   Feeling Ugly...go hang out in Wal-Mart for a few hours.

   Nutella...the only reason I buy bread.

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.