Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   They say milk gives you strenght so I drank 5 glasses and still couldnt move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself.

   A Mosquito landed on my friends face.. Easiest decision of my life..

   7 billion people, 14 billion faces.

   No matter how long you have been together, it's completely okay to walk out of someone's life if you just don't feel like you belong there anymore.

   i swear; when people are in love they are never themselves, they are something else....

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   There's a bustle in my hedgerow; what do I do?! - feeling alarmed

   If being bad is wrong then I'll never be right... guess my guidance councilor did know what she was talking about after all.

   I am one lucky lady......I am told several times a day that I am sweet, divine, and tasty.... Thank you Candy Crush!

   Dear teenage me, It's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone.. No don't kill yourself, it's actually pretty fun

   JAB: I woke up all excited this morning, got dressed to go to work,it's Friday: Pay day and than I realized, I don't have a job and went back to bed. . .

   Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.

   Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I think my mind has lost me.

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   "Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift.