Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm worried because a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She says she will use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   When I was your age...I was your age.

   Remember this sign in a video store? "Nice people rewind tapes"

   God is my co-pilot but the Devil is my bombardier.

   The fastest way to get my son out the door on a school morning is to ask him if he wants a hug...

   Similarities create relationships, but its the differences that hold them together.

   The secret to enjoying a good beer. Open the bottle and allow it to breathe. If it isn't breathing give it mouth to mouth.

   The more you just sit there and look at your problem the more it grows.

   The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

   Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

   If the cops don't know about your man beating you, I shouldn't either.

   Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Eating Taco Bell for the 5th night in a row... BTW, your colon grows back right?

   The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.