Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!

   I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".

   My morals are questionable??

   If you love someone let them go, if they come back..... YOU leave, so that the "bleep" knows what it feels like. :)

   would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on tv I wanna rip my tv off the wall and throw it out on my front lawn and then set fire to it?

   Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

   Gas stations should have happy hour

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.

   How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!

   Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can then stick him with a crippling amount of fishing school loans

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without sex and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   Weed and Gay marriage are now legal in Colorado. The Bible says if a man should lay down with another man let him be stoned. Now it makes sense. I've been reading wrong all these years.

   HELPFUL HINT: Table saws work on other stuff too, not just tables,, for example,,, I have two couches now.

   A girl came up to me in a bar last night and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?" Excited, I said, "Yes." Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds...

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!