Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   Syria says it will not use chemical weapons against its own people."No need really, Bombs and bullets seem to do the job just fine."

   Fox News is blaming Obama for Miley's twerking.

   I just saw a commercial for Air Wick's new National Parks scents...does this mean that they've added a "hint of smoke" smell to Yellowstone's fragrance?

   Christmas will be here sooner than you think. Forget the gifts and commercialization, make it a time to be Merry. Unless you live in San Francisco....then make it a time to be Mary.

   The U.S. is ready to launch a strike on Syria to help restore peace in the country. You know, like they did with Iraq and Libya.

   The most awkward conversation must have been between the guy who invented toilet paper and the first person he told about it.

   Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.

   Ok so America is attacking Syria for the chemical gas thing but who's attacking America for the Miley Cyrus thing?

   I have not heard a single person mention a music video in the discussion of last night's VMAs.

   I am outraged that corporate media would air that thing they desperately wanted me to be outraged about!

   What Miley Cyrus did is nothing compared to what some of your baby girls have already done in her first week at college.

   After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

   The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

   been accused by others of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!

   My cats are staring at me like i'm King Tuna Tut.

   I would pic a Miley Cyrus joke over any depressing news about the war in Syria any day.

   This just enforces the belief that people with mullets should not be raising children.