Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Speaking of IKEA, I think the phrase "Some assembly required" is Swedish for "Here's a pine log and some nails."

   Does anyone want to be my friend? Asking for a friend.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.

   Stop focusing on the meaning of life and focus on finding a life with meaning.

   Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.

   You know you're getting old when the learning curve becomes a roundabout.

   According to my poop, I need to start chewing my corn better.

   Those who have talent will use it. Those who have none will exploit themselves. Looking at you Miley Cyrus.

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   Women are 30% human and 70% emotions.

   Jealous people are God's way of reminding us that we are awesome enough to be envied.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   I'm done with the bullsh*t. Calf sh*t is officially welcomed!

   Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?

   The new F word today is FORGIVE. So I F all of you.

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.