Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am confused, Did the murder/ cheater/ substance abuser Ray Lewis retire or not cuz they are sure showing him a lot on tv right now..

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....

   Spooning can lead to forking.

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   Never trust a person who just throws away bubble wrap without at least popping a few before they do.

   All this makeup is hiding how certain girls really look. Smokey eyes , thick ass eyebrows. Gotta take these girls swimming on the first date

   God never gives you anything you can't handle and apparently he thinks I can handle a hell of alot.

   Hey Blame Obama Hotline, how does it feel to be blamed for everything~George W.

   Look Left -----> You Failed

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.