Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

   Whenever another man tells you, "You're a lucky man" in reference to your girlfriend. It's just a polite way of saying "Watch your back, I might just replace you"

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.

   It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   And A Big shout out to any FBI, CIA Or government office who happen to have me on some watch list, F*U* !

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

   Had to sneeze but it never came out and now I'm afraid it's traveling around my body trying to find another exit.

   I just saved a buch of money by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   "I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots," haters, and insecurs...

   Obama: children in Syria were gassed. It means, Obama is not going to kill children?! I'm not sure! Please don’t swindle us!

   Some of you make me jealous. You have hours to devote to people you hate and I barely have time for people I adore.

   Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

   Any guy that makes your girl laugh…pull your head out of your ass and start worrying about him.

   Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?