Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   First they came for the communists and I didn't speak out. Since then everything's been pretty good, plus no communists!

   I'm such a nice guy, I signed my ex-wife up for one of those free bi-polar studies.

   Dear "New FM102", you've been "new" for 4 years now. Stop.

   We were so poor when I was a kid, the only reason our house stood was because the termites were holding hands!!

   I'm sorry Burger King employee but if you want me to support you making $15 an hour, you 1st have to prove to me you can grasp the concept of "NO PICKLES"!!! We'll work on that jacked up attitude later...

   The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..

   The only things that should be fat are your pockets.

   Bestiality is okay for religious people because they're sheep anyway.

   Dear Abby My husband underwent a psych evaluation at work It said he was a compulsive eater. Should I be worried? He's a gynecologist

   My parents while naming me must have thought "lets give him a name which will make a strong password and no one can guess

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   The hardest part of your path is knowing when to realize that your struggle has already left you and you now need to let go of it and move on !

   I am tired of being treated as a perfect piece of meat by woman. I am so tired of them only seeing the perfect man with unbelievable flawless features .......Try talking for once , bet you didn't even know I used to have a goldfish