Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Definition of "irony" getting pregnant on a pull-out couch

   Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment

   Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...

   I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.

   Gov. Chriatie pledges $15mil to repair NJ boardwalk. Will raise money by going on a diet...

   Tebow remains unsigned. God delays game once again.

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.

   and maybe learn to use the right kind of bale also!

   Francis Bean is 21 years old. Sleep on that, universe.

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Don't eat glass. Trust me on this one

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.

   Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're proably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

   When a guy says he wants to get to know you, he means he wants to get to know your boobs.

   Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.

   A nutsack is a guy's Christmas Ornament from God.

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   If it smells like a salad and it tastes like a salad, there's still a good chance it's an organic vegan chocolate chip cookie

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.