Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one ever wants to feel tied down by someone, that's why you give them drugs first so they don't feel a thing.

   The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y

   Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Your girl sends you nudes and she ain't holding the camera then you betta start asking questions bruh.

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke

   I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.

   Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.

   If an imaginary person in your head tells you that you should kill little children, that is not religion but a mental problem.

   Where do adults named Alice come from? I’ve never met a kid named Alice.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   Just heard some of Drakes new album..& damn it got to me..let me go call my ex from 1st grade I miss the way we use to colour together.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!