Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops

   You always know when random, clean, friendly people come talk to you in the street it's because they want you to join their religion.

   Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   Miley Cyrus sounds like the name of an adorable virus.

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   We do not realize that one day, a guy suddenly had the idea to put a thermometer in the butt of someone. And that person said yes.