Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reasons why Game of Thrones is better than Breaking Bad: 1) Titties. 2) Dragons. 3) Bro do you seriously need any more?

   I wanna be the reason you hire a private investigator.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

   "Don't worry, I will solve everything" - alcohol

   My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

   If you're O.C.D and you know it wash your hands

   My shoes always come untied, so I used my ear buds and they tied themselves in the most complex knot without even touching them!

   Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.

   I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.

   Hey Lorenzo, go home you are borin.

   According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!

   I bet a lot of people in Congress are hoping for a Kanye appearance today.....

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!