Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why would canada discontinue pennies?? That country doesnt make cents

   If guys could get pregnant there would be an abortion clinic on every corner and plan B would come in variety flavor packs

   "No" - Old Irish Proverb

   Death defying. Pffftt. This is my 21,205th consecutive day of defying death.

   I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. -ad

   Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally

   A sitcom after all the years away from television proves again that Michael J Fox is one of the true movers and shakers of entertainment.

   I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!

   I think Miley's tongue is trying to escape...

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

   I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.

   How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex

   do snitches still get stiches under obamacare?

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

   Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.

   The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to get replaced.