Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do Obama phones immediately quit working if the government shuts down? Asking for a friend......

   Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.

   I have to do my duty and report to jury service...hehehe I said doody!

   Since ios7, Everytime I unlock my phone, I see the Breaking Bad theme and have to do the BAow... Bow Bow Bow.. in my head.

   I'm CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!

   It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed p orn.

   Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.

   Walmart Guy: Sir, it should take about thirty minutes for your oil change. If you want to do some shopping, we will call your name out over the loudspeaker when we are finished. Me: If you want to live, you will not call my name out over the loudspeaker.

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   I like clothing that has little hidden pockets. It's like they made it knowing I was going to put my weed in there.

   How many weight watchers points are pot brownies?

   I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".

   If the Government shuts down who will spy on me?

   Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you'd think they could fly...

   This morning when I put my underwear on the fruit of the looms guys were laughing at me.

   I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.