Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   The curvy girl gets the worm.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...

   Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...

   Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.

   Time heals all wounds. Because eventually you will be dead.

   A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.

   This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.

   Holy shit, I just found out time travel is possible. You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com

   Marks & Spencer have apologised for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. If you're one of the vegans who mistakenly ate one of those salads ...That's why it was so yummy!

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently, like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respec

   Every notice Bl acks are too good to eat a Buger King but they are good enough to get off the interstate come in make a mess of the restroom and leave.