Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   So America had enough money to go to war with Syria but don't have enough money to survive as a government. Priorities.

   Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.

   I would consider marriage if it came with a better benefits package.

   I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"

   When the relationship hits the wall the douchebag deploys.

   Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?