Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...

   Grocery stores on Army bases in the U.S. are closed. The golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open.

   I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   She was so inoffensive that didn't used to harm a fly; the problem was I wasn't a fly.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

   We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts, I am running straight to the graveyard to play the most epic game of whack-a-mole ever.

   "Tom Clancy - Dead at 66". I've not read that one, do hope it's as good as his other books

   The gov't shut down hurts all the way to the top. Today, Obama could only afford to play mini golf...

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   Miley wanted to perform topless at the VMA's. Thank God she only performed a$$less...

   MY BROTHER HAS BEEN STUDYING the CIVIL WAR....he went Gettysburg to walk the actual scenes of the battlefield....but the gate was LOCKED.....unfortunately the history of our nation's fallen heroes is not priority for some leaders.. ..MANY believe it is mo

   PS3 user B.Obama_69 has been playing GTA online constantly since the government went into shutdown. Coincidence? I think not

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .