Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just yelled that I pay more attention to Facebook than I do to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me....

   Excuse me miss.... Can I test drive your vulva?

   Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

   When are the winter special olympics??

   They call it "work" for a reason. If it was fun, they'd call it "play" and you would pay them.

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.