Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.

   First rule of Vegan Club... Tell everyone.

   When the stalker becomes the stalked.

   Just thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   President Obama is the worst thing that has happened to Amerca

   Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.

   Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?

   Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!

   My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…

   and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!

   its national fart on your kid day

   for all you moaning about the pledge of allegiance being taken out of schools I don't see them saying it in church and isn't that where gods at?

   I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*