Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.

   I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   She's a pig in the streets, but bacon in the sheets.

   My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.

   90% of pregnancies result from a sexual encounter where the woman did not even climax.

   I watched the Wizard of Oz last night and all I could think of was "so a house fell on your sister and all you care about are her shoes?".....Women

   I love following women who write inspirational tweets because, you know...chubby girls.

   Guns don’t kill people, George Zimmerman kills people!

   I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.

   In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.

   I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.

   I’m not being unreasonable am I? My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.

   In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.

   Did you hear that RGIII went to the Redskin coaches and asked them not to show his bad plays during the film session because he is losing his confidence.....What a little diva, maybe they should just show Subway commercials instead...

   Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.

   I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!

   A recent CNN poll shows that 53% of Americans don't believe Obama to be honest or trustworthy. The other 47% of Americans weren't polled.

   Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode

   Roses are red Violets are blue Give me your purse This is a robbery